Bully!
by Commander
Summary: Cosmo and Wanda's nephew is in love with the wrong woman, their godson Theodore Roosevelt is left with a strange temp, TR's friend Edith meets the author... just read it, the summary doesn't do it justice.
1. Broken Glasses

(AN:

BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA!

Did I scare you?

Anyway. Here it is, my long awaited TR FOP fanfic, "Bully"! It'll get more interesting from here, trust me. We've only met four of the eight main characters! (laughs evilly) Disclaimer time--Cosmo, Wanda, Jorgen, and all things FOP related belong to Butch Hartman, not me. Theodore Sr., Mittie, Anna (Bamie), Theodore (Teedie), Elliott (Ellie), and Corinne (Conie) Roosevelt and Edith (Edie) Carow were all real people and are probably rolling over in their graves right now. This fanfic belongs to me! Okay now, on with the show!)

7:54 and the house was tidied up.

Wanda dusted off her hands and looked around the living room. Yes, everything seemed to be in place. She hated leaving her house messy for the next time she would come... whenever that was...

"Are you ready, Cosmo?" she called. 

"Coming!" cried a voice from inside the bedroom. After a few moments, the door opened and out flew Wanda's husband Cosmo, wearing a foppish suit, one that a well-to-do man would be expected to wear in the year 1868. Besides from his suit, however, Cosmo did not bring to mind a well-to-do man, for he was a fairy, with wings sprouting from his back, a crown hovering above his messy green hair, and a wand clutched tightly in his hands.

"So where are we going today?" asked Cosmo excitedly, sounding like a first grader about to go on a field trip. "Fairy World's largest pickle? The Plumbers' Hall of Fame?"

Wanda sighed. She was wearing a dark dress with buttons down the middle, and her long pink hair was all tied behind her in a bun, as was the fashion for women in those days. "Cosmo, dear, our fifty years are up. We're going to be assigned a new godchild today."

Cosmo's large green eyes grew even larger, and his lip quivered. "But... but I thought you said that we might have children during our break... and we never did!..."

"I know," said Wanda sadly, hugging Cosmo affectionately and stroking his hair. "I didn't really expect to anyway, to tell you the truth. But we've had our obligatory fifty year break from godparenting, and now it's time to make another child happy."

"I really want to be a daddy, though!" moaned Cosmo. "Oh well... maybe our next break..."

Wanda bit her lip, not wanting to dampen his hopes. For one thing, Cosmo was sterile, and as much as Wanda had tried to deny it, it seemed as though the two of them never could have children. And also, the way things were going with the population explosion on Earth, creating thousands more unhappy children each year, they might not even be having a fifty year break every five hundred years anymore.

"We might not have children of our own," said Wanda, leaning away from him so she could look him in the eyes, "but think of all the godchildren we've had. And we've made them all happy, and I don't know about you, but I've loved each and every one of them like my own children. And I'm sure I'll love our next one, too. We'd better go now."

Wanda stood up and reached out her hand to Cosmo. Cosmo smiled at her and took it, gazing deep into her lovely pink eyes. Wanda can always make things feel better, thought Cosmo, feeling his love for her mount in his heart, like it so often did.

Wanda raised her wand, and with a poof, they were in the main fairy godparenting headquarters, where, as usual, Jorgen von Strangle was barking out orders.

"And no mistakes this time, you hear? Or else you'll be doing wand ups for the next five thousand years!" After chewing out this random unfortunate fairy, Jorgen turned to Cosmo and Wanda. "Aah, puny fairy Wanda and puny, stupid, INSIGNIFICANT FAIRY COSMO WHOM I DESPISE, you must be here for your new assignment!"

"Aaw, I like you too, Jorgen!" said Cosmo obliviously.

"That's right," said Wanda, trying not to be too mad at Jorgen. After all, who wouldn't be mad at the fairy who burned your wings off?

"Yes, let me see..." Jorgen poofed up a stack of files and started rummaging through them. "Uh... what is your last name again?"

Wanda shrugged. "Uh... Smith?"

"Uhsmith..." Jorgen flipped to the U's and pulled out a file. "Aah, here it is. Cosmo and Wanda Uhsmith." He pulled a piece of paper out of the file, reading over it quickly. "You have been assigned to Theodore Roosevelt, a nine-year-old boy living in New York City!"

"Aah, man, I hate that city..." muttered Wanda.

"SILENCE!" hollered Jorgen. He handed Wanda the file. "Here you go, this includes vital information on your child, yadda yadda. You know it."

Wanda grabbed Cosmo by the hand again and led him outside, where she pulled out the single sheet of paper on their new godchild. "Let's see... he's got light brown hair and blue eyes... oh yes, and he wears glasses, too... he's asthmatic, rather frail and sickly, as this says. And he's tutored at home. He's got one older sister, and a younger brother and sister..." Wanda put the paper back in the folder. "So, Cosmo, shall we go meet Theodore?"

Cosmo shrugged. "Sure... but do you think there'll be pudding at his house?"

Wanda laughed. "We can hope."

…………

"Well, I just wish he'd leave me alone, that's all."

A boy, who was a bit older than eight, threw a rock angrily from off the rock he was standing on. A boy behind him, who was older yet smaller and frailer, sighed.

"He'd leave you alone if you made him," said the older boy. His voice was strangely high pitched.

"Oh, sure, Teedie. You've never seen this guy!" The younger boy jumped off the rock and stared at his older brother. "He's huge! He could crush a skinny guy like you under his pinky!"

Teedie stared at the boy from behind his round glasses. "But Ellie... you're big. You could show him."

"Oh, no, Teedie, you don't know what you're talking about," said a girl, jumping into the conversation suddenly. She was almost seven years old. "He's bigger than Ellie. If you went to school with us, you'd know."

"Well, excuse me, Conie!" cried Teedie. "It's not my fault I can't go to school! You think I _don't_ want to?"

"Oh, she didn't mean that!" piped in a fourth girl, about the same age as Conie.

"Yes I did!" said Conie.

The other girl jabbed Conie in the side. "That's not very nice!"

Conie shrugged. "Hey, he is my brother. I can be mean to him."

Teedie glared at his younger sister. "Hey, look, out of the four of us here, I am the oldest. You should listen to what I say!"

Ellie tackled Teedie to the ground. "Hey guys, listen to the President of the United States here!" He laughed. "Come on, you guys always do what I say!"

Teedie grimaced, but said nothing. He did have a point. Out of the four of them, little Elliott Roosevelt was the ringleader, although Theodore was older. And then again, Corinne, being the youngest, always seemed to get her way too. And Edith? Edith Carow was Conie's friend, but she liked to hang around Ellie and Teedie, too. When all four were together, they were a force to be reckoned with, that was for sure...

Ellie suddenly looked up in horror. "You guys... look, it's... _him_..."

Conie and Edie gasped. "Let's get out of here!"

Teedie, on the other hand, looked angry. "Get out of here? If he's been picking on you and beating you up, you ought to show him some **_JUSTICE_**!"

Ellie grabbed Teedie roughly by the arm. "No way! I value my life!"

"Well then, I will, if you lack the backbone!"

Conie rolled her eyes. "Teedie, why must you always talk weirdly?"

Ellie pulled harder on Teedie's arm. "You? You're not strong enough, Teedie! _I'm_ not strong enough!"

"Well, well."

The bully was there, and so were his friends. The six boys, who were about eleven years old or so, looked like some sort of gang.

The leader, who most certainly was large and powerful looking, looked at Ellie. "Why, if it isn't little Elliott Roosevelt! And his dear little sister Corinne! Elliott, I believe you owe me twenty cents."

Elliott was scared, but he managed to stand up shakily and stare at the bully straight in the eyes. "Owe you? I don't owe you anything! Besides, what makes you think I have that kind of money on me?"

"Oh, is that what you think, huh?" The bully smacked his fist into his palm menacingly, and the rest of his gang followed suit.

At this moment, Teedie spoke up. "Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?"

The boy stared at him. "Who are you?"

"I'm Elliott's brother, of course."

"Oh yes...the one that's too sick to attend school!" He laughed.

Teedie glared at him. "At least I have manners, you big ugly toad!"

The boy hesitated for a moment, then with one swift sudden movement punched Teedie right above the nose. He then ran away laughing cruelly, his buddies right behind him.

"Oh, Teedie, are you alright?" gasped Edith, leaning down touch his face.

"Do I LOOK alright?" yelled Teedie. Edith bit her lip. His glasses were broken, one of his eyes was swollen shut and decorated with a black ring, and his nose was bleeding profusely.

Corinne began to cry. "See, Teedie, what did we tell you about him?"

Elliott grimaced. "Let's get you home."

…………

Teedie sunk back slowly into his chair. His mother, Mittie, was gently tending to his bruises he had received. His father, Theodore, however, was pacing the floor sternly.

Elliott and Corinne were standing in the doorway. "Father, Teedie wasn't fighting," spoke up Elliott timidly. "He was bullying me, and Teedie stood up for me, and then the boy punched him—"

"That will be enough, Elliott," said Theodore sharply. He looked at his older son, still bleeding, his left eye almost completely swollen shut. "Be that as it may..."

"Father, I don't think you should punish him," said a girl sitting in a chair nearby. She seemed to be in pain, but was sitting as straight up as she could. Although she was thirteen, her heavy set eyes gave her a sad expression and made her seem older.

She continued. "He really didn't do anything wrong... and really, if you think about it, isn't getting punched in the face punishment enough?"

Theodore Roosevelt Sr. sighed. "You're right, Bamie... I guess." He turned at his namesake son. "Still, if this boy punched you, Teedie, you must have said something to provoke him. I want you to go up to your room and think about what you said to him."

Knowing better than to argue, Teedie nodded and said with great difficulty, "Yes, Father." Holding a cloth to his nose, he stood up and walked to the door.

"We'll have to buy you a new pair of glasses, too," said Theodore. Teedie turned and looked back in the room. His mother and his sister Anna (usually called Bamie) gave him encouraging smiles. Elliott and Corinne continued to stand fearfully next to Teedie. Teedie gulped and went upstairs to his room.

"I can't do anything right," he muttered to himself. "What, they think I like getting punched? They think I like being sick?" He sighed. "Nothing ever goes my way..."

He set his glasses down and jumped in surprise. One of the broken lenses had a pink light streaming from it, and the other had a green light...

And suddenly, two fairies appeared! The green haired one said, "I'm Cosmo!"

"And I'm Wanda!" said the pink haired one.

"And we're... your fairy godparents!" they finished together, a large sign saying "FAIRY GODPARENTS" appearing behind them.

"Whoa... I must be hallucinating!" cried Teedie. "I told Mother that milk she gave us for lunch went bad weeks ago, but did she believe me?"

Wanda flew over to Teedie. "Well, bad milk or not, Theodore, we're real! And we're here to grant your every wish, so long as it isn't against Da Rules!"

Teedie scratched his head. "First of all, call me Teedie, everyone does... you said your name was Wanda, right?"

Wanda nodded. "And my husband is Cosmo."

"Wheeeee!" cried Cosmo, who was flying around in little circles.

"And, grant my every wish? Like, 'I wish my glasses were fixed'?"

Cosmo and Wanda raised their wands, there was a poof, and Teedie's glasses were instantly repaired,

"Wow, bully!" cried Teedie. "Wait a minute, what am I going to tell my parents when they ask how they got repaired so fast?"

Wanda sighed. "That's why you need to think before you wish, Teedie. But for this case, I'd say just you got them off a traveling salesperson."

"You mean, I can't tell them about you?"

"No, because that would be breaking the biggest rule of all!" cried Cosmo, waving his wand. 'DA RULES' book fell right on top of him.

Wanda opened it to the first page. "It's rule number one—no one can ever know that you have fairy godparents, otherwise we'll have to leave forever!"

"That wouldn't be good," admitted Teedie. He put his glasses on and lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. "Right now, though, I just feel like sleeping."

Cosmo waved his wand and in a poof, Teedie was in his pajamas, his glasses on the dresser.

"What time is it, anyway?" muttered Wanda. "I know we got lost in Fairy World, then went out to eat, then visited my old friend Jill, but is it really nighttime?" She looked outside and saw the moon rising in the distance. "I guess it is," she admitted, shrugging. She poofed up a small fishbowl and turned herself and Cosmo into fish.

"I wonder what crazy things our newest godchild will wish for!" said Cosmo happily.

"Time will tell..." said Wanda.


	2. Off They Go!

(AN: I'm back! I was in DC from July 2-11. And I actually wrote part of this chapter, which is weird, because I never write out my fanfics, I just go straight to the computer and type it! Anyway… here it is! And I'm aware that some parts are historically inaccurate. Teedie didn't get his glasses until he was thirteen, and he's only a little younger than ten in this story. And it's true that Teedie was tutored at home, but I believe that his siblings were also. And so on and so on. But I don't think you knew all that, or care. So here's chapter two!)

"All this exercise equipment doesn't seem to be working," muttered Teedie, looking at all the exercise equipment he had wished for in the last month. "I mean, I'm still scrawny."

Wanda bit her lip. "Well, Teedie… first off, results don't always come quick anyway."

Teedie eyed her impatiently. "Go on…"

"Also, you're only nine years old. You're not expecting to actually become muscular, are you?"

"Hey, I'm nearly ten!" cried Teedie. "And this stuff SHOULD work. It all came with warranties! As a paying customer, I expect—"

"Paying!" laughed Cosmo. "You wished for it all! You didn't pay at all!"

Teedie growled. "Look, I just want a body to match my mind, that's all."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Wanda.

"I'm smart. And I'm capable. And—" Teedie flashed a dashing grin, smoothing his hair back, "as far as facial features go, I'm not too bad looking, if I do say so myself. But this darn scrawny body… this darn asthma… my YOUNGER brother is bigger than I am! It's embarrassing! If I were only stronger, I'd be nearly perfect."

"Thank you, Mr. Ego," muttered Wanda. She was used to his ego, though. It had been a month since Cosmo and Wanda had arrived in sickly, scrawny, intelligent, and egotistical Theodore Roosevelt's life, and they had gotten to know their godson rather well.

"It's August," said Teedie sadly, looking out the window. "School will be starting soon… and my siblings will be going to school, but I'm still too weak. I'll be tutored at home again."

"Look on the bright side, Teedie!" said Cosmo happily. "You can run to the kitchen and get snacks any time you want!"

"I know that," said Teedie, flashing a toothy grin. "Ellie and Conie are actually jealous of me, believe it or not. And there's no bullies to deal with, either. Still, I really like learning, and being with other kids my age… It would be nice, that's all."

"I understand, Teedie," said Wanda encouragingly. She opened her mouth to speak again, but was cut short by a large BOOM!

"Puny fairies!" bellowed Jorgen von Strangle.

"Who are you?" asked Teedie. "Wow, what muscles! Bet you get into a lot of bully fights, don't you?"

"Go away, puny Earth-child," said Jorgen distractedly. "You two—" he pointed at Cosmo and Wanda, "need to go to a little town named Las Vegas, Nevada, right now!"

"A western town?" asked Wanda. "Sounds seedy…why do we need to go?"

Jorgen pulled out a picture of a fairy with short mahogany hair and mahogany eyes, wearing, of all things, a cowboy outfit. "Your nephew, Luden! He needs to be focusing on his godparenting duties, but he's run off to this little gambling and prostitution filled lawless western town, and no one can get through to him!"

Wanda sighed. Her nephew, Luden, was really a nice guy, but ever since his parents—Wanda's sister and her husband—had died, he became sort of distant, doing crazy stunts and becoming rather irresponsible. And it seemed that the only one who could ever talk sense into him was Wanda. "Alright, Cosmo and I will go find him and try to get him back. It might take us a while, though. Could you arrange for a temp to come and take care of Teedie?"

"Alright, puny fairy, it shall be done!" said Jorgen. "I shall arrange for a temp to come. And if you two don't bring your nephew back, all three of you shall PAY!" And with a BOOM!, Jorgen was gone.

"What was that all about?" asked Teedie. "Where are you going? What's a temp?"

"You heard him," said Wanda with a sigh. "My nephew is dodging his godparenting duties, and Cosmo and I need to get him back. I'm the only one he ever listens to anymore… Jorgen's getting another fairy to be your temporary godparent while we're gone, because I don't know how long this will take."

"Oh no, I'm not sitting around here while you're out on an adventure," said Teedie. "I'm coming with you!"

"You are most certainly NOT!" said Wanda, pulling Cosmo towards her. "I wouldn't bring _any_ child to some seedy mining town, especially not a weak, asthmatic child!" And before Teedie could protest any more, his godparents poofed away.

"I can't believe it!" cried Teedie in vain, as there was no one there to hear him. "They go off on a bully adventure… okay, so it isn't necessarily an adventure, but it could be! And I'm stuck here, where it's boring!" He sat and sulked on his bed. "My asthma's much better now than it was before, and Cosmo and Wanda could protect me from the 'evils' of a lawless western town. But they leave me with a temp!" A smile suddenly crept upon his face. "…A temp who has to grant my every wish."

It was _perfect_! He could just wish that he was with Cosmo and Wanda, and his temp would have to grant it!

Wherever his temp was…

"He sure is taking his sweet time," muttered Teedie.

And then, with a "MACHO POOF", his temp appeared. Teedie stared in shock. Long black hair that flowed in the wind, deep purple eyes filled with emotion, the muscular sexy body…

"Hola, young child who does not deserve to be in my awesome and sexy presence--"

"Jeez, you're even more egotistical than me!" cried Teedie.

"You have the pleasure of meeting your temp, JUANDISSIMO MAGNIFICO!" cried Juandissimo, his shirt ripping on and off.

"Yeah, pleasure," muttered Teedie. "I have a wish—"

"So, who are your godparents?" interrupted Juandissimo.

"Cosmo and Wanda, but—"

"_Wanda_?!" Juandissimo struck a dramatic pose. "The one true love of my life? The one whom that despicable Cosmo stole from me?"

"HEY!" yelled Teedie. "Did you not hear me? I said I have a wish, and as I am your temporary godchild, it is required that you grant it!"

"Patience, patience," said Juandissimo annoyingly. "Why did Wanda—_and Cosmo_," he added icily, "leave, and where?"

Teedie shrugged. "They went to some place called Las Vegas, to help their nephew."

"Help their nephew how?"

"I don't know," admitted Teedie. "Which is why I'm trying to wish that you send me there!"

"You can't go by yourself!" cried Juandissimo. "As your temp, I must watch after you!" He grinned roguishly and sexily. "Besides, being in Wanda's presence…"

Teedie rolled his eyes. "You're even more annoying than Edith. Alright, alright. I wish that you and I were with Cosmo and Wanda!"

With a "POOF", they were gone.

…………

Mittie Roosevelt looked up from her knitting and saw that little Edith Carow was there. "Hello, Edie. Do you want something?"

Edith shuffled her feet. "Yes ma'am… is Conie here?"

"I'm afraid not," said Mrs. Roosevelt. "Her father took her and Bamie out shopping."

"Well… is Ellie here?"

"No, he's visiting a friend."

"Well then… is Teedie here?'

Mrs. Roosevelt smiled. "Yes, Teedie is at home. I believe he is in his bedroom."

"Thank you," said Edith, curtsying politely and turning up the stairs.

Right outside Teedie's room, Edith stopped and self-consciously pulled back her dark red hair. In truth, she hadn't come to the Roosevelt home to see Corinne or Elliott. She had come to see Theodore.

Her dark blue eyes filled with excitement and nervousness. Teedie, oh Teedie! How she loved him inner strength, his humor, his admittedly inflated ego… along with his heart of gold. Her shyness had prevented her from saying anything of her hidden feelings, but they were there, always there, oh Lord were they there!

She raised her hand to knock on the door… then froze.

"Come on, Edith, snap out of it," she muttered, finally and meekly knocking.

No answer.

"He's not here."

Edith spun around in shock. "Who are you?" she asked fearfully.

The woman who spoke grinned, pushing her smooth, orange-red hair behind her face, moving so fluidly it was as if her hair was not separate strands, but one unit. Her shapely yellow eyes sparkled mischievously. "I'm the author of this story, of course."

Edith looked bewildered. "Huh?"

"I'm Commander, and I'm the author of this story. And you, Edith Kermit Carow, you are looking for Theodore Roosevelt, are you not?" Commander asked in her husky voice.

"Yes… how did you know that?"

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm the author of this story, and thus I know everything!" She hesitated. "Well, almost everything. "Grinning at Edith, she added, "And I do know your secret."

Edith tried to look innocent. "…I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You came here to see TR! Uh, I mean Teedie. And you came to see him because you _loooove_ him!"

"But—I—"

"Come now." Commander put her arm around Edith's shoulder affectionately. "There's nothing wrong with being in love."

"I'm aware…" said Edith slowly. "But… it makes me very sad when he does not love me back!"

"Unrequited love," nodded Commander. "Trust me, I feel your pain…"

"What do I do?" asked Edith.

Commander shrugged. "All you can do is wait for him to come around. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. In your case, however, he'll come around, eventually. Trust me."

"Really?" said Edith. She then frowned. "Wait a minute, how do you know? I know, I know you're the author of this 'story', but does this 'story' go up to when I'm an adult?"

"Of course not, but I do come from the future, and you and Theodore will one day be President and First Lady of the United States!"

Edith blinked.

"It's true!" cried Commander.

Edith smiled in realization. "Then that means we'll be married!"

Commander smiled.

"I knew that someday he'd return my love!" Edith stopped. "Hey… where is Teedie, anyway?"

"Well…" Commander hesitated. "I'm not sure if I can tell you this…but I'm the author, and I can suspend the rules. Okay. TR has two fairy godparents, Cosmo and Wanda. They are currently in Las Vegas, Nevada, to pull their nephew out of being hopelessly in love with a prostitute. TR was left with Wanda's ex-boyfriend as a temp, and both of them went to Nevada also."

Silence.

Finally, Edith quietly said, "…fairies?"

Commander sighed. "Yes, fairies. They exist and are assigned godchildren, and no one else is supposed to know, but I thought I'd make an exception for you."

"Why?" asked Edith.

"Because…" Commander grinned devilishly. "Because we're going to join them."

(AN: Since you're all curious, you can see the movie "poster" I drew for this if you look at my profile. The link is there! And… that's it. See you next chapter! I'm having a blast writing this!)


	3. Santa Vaca!

(AN: Aw man, I'm sorry for not updating sooner! You see, I was going to update this a week ago, but banned me for a week because I had two stories in script format that I wrote nearly four years ago... (mumbles stuff under her breath) Well, anyway, I'm back now! Updates will probably be less frequent… well, less frequent than they already are, since marching season is in full swing and school starts soon, but I'll still try to update as often as I can and feel like it. (laughs evilly and continues typing chapter three))

"Oooh! Ooooh! Can we go in there?"

"We're not going in ANY buildings if we can help it, Cosmo!" cried Wanda. "I mean, look at this town!"

She pointed to the small, flapping doors of a nearby saloon (you know what I'm talking about) just as a man in cowboy gear was violently shoved out, falling flat on his back with a lot of creaking of the door flaps and shouting from inside.

"Coo-al!" cried Cosmo. "That looks like fun!"

Wanda grabbed Cosmo sharply by his arm, leading him away from the saloon. "Well, I can assure that it wouldn't be. Now come on. We have to find Luden!"

Cosmo looked annoyed. "It would be a lot easier to find him if we flew."

Slapping her hand over his mouth, Wanda whispered urgently, "Be quiet! No one is supposed to know that we're… F-A-I-R-I-E-S!"

"F… A…" Cosmo brightened. "Oh! Fairies!"

Wanda's hand flew over Cosmo's mouth again. "Yes. Now be quiet. Right now we're just two normal human beings looking for our nephew." She spun her head around. "Luden! Where are you?"

"Luuuuuuuuuu-deeeeeennnnnn!" hollered Cosmo.

Wanda shook her head in frustration. "This is ridiculous. There's so many buildings here, it could take hours!"

Cosmo stopped and stared, open-mouthed, at a poster outside of a large saloon.

"Cosmo, what are…" Wanda also stared at the poster, although her expression was that of shock, anger, and disgust. "COME ON IN AND SEE GUADALUPE INCREIBLE, THE GENTLEMEN'S CHOICE", the sign blared, with a painting of a scantily clad Hispanic woman gazing seductively.

"Gentlemen's choice, indeed," gasped Wanda. "Is she really allowed to wear such little clothing in even a place like this?"

She spun around. "Cosmo?"

The saloon doors flapped.

"COSMO!" screeched Wanda, running in the saloon after her infatuated husband, who was standing near the stage, expectantly wide-eyed.

"And now," said the man on the stage, "the moment you've all been waiting for! Here she is, the one, the only, Guadalupe Increible!"

The curtains opened, and standing in a seductive pose was the Hispanic woman from the poster. Wanda gasped in angry shock and disgust. The white dress—if you could call it a dress—that she wore had a neckline that plunged nearly two inches off of her neck! The sleeves were so short, they didn't even begin to fall down her shoulders, and her dress scandalously ended above her knees, revealing her garter! (Remember that it was 1868, folks.)

She slowly took one step. The piano played a cord.

In a deep, rich, husky, yet still feminine voice, she started singing, "I will never more deceive you… or let happiness bereave you… But I'll die a maid to grieve you… Oh you naughty, naughty men…"

Every man in the saloon was drooling buckets. Including Cosmo. Guadalupe took a few more seductive steps, still singing.

"You may talk of love and sighing… say for us you're nearly dying… All the while you know you're trying to deceive, you naughty, naughty men…"

Wanda couldn't take it anymore. "Excuse me," she said, trying unsuccessfully to make her way to the front.

Guadalupe stepped off the stage and grabbed Cosmo roughly by the collar, holding him captive to her alluring purple eyes. "When you want a kiss or favor…" she sang softly, her lips almost touching his, "you put on your best behavior… and your looks of kindness savor… oh you naughty, naughty men…"

Seeing this outrageous act from the other side of the room, Wanda let out a yelp of shock.

But Guadalupe wasn't done. Reaching out her hand and stroking Cosmo's hair, she continued to sing. "Of love you get us dreaming… and when with hope we're teeming… we find you are but scheming… oh you naughty, naughty men!"

She slowly backed away and walked on, her hand still trailing behind and slowly stroking Cosmo even as she was leaving. Finally, her touch left him. Cosmo, dazed, continued to stare at the space where she had been.

By this time, Wanda had finally made her way to the front. She yanked Cosmo by the arm, causing him to bark out in surprise.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" cried Wanda in a voice so loud that everyone in the room would have been able to hear her if Guadalupe wasn't distracting them. "It's shameful enough for all these other people to be in here, but you're MARRIED! And furthermore… LUDEN?"

And there he was, Wanda's nephew Luden, staring at Guadalupe with the same expression on Cosmo's face.

Wanda grabbed Luden by his arm, and still holding Cosmo with her other hand, dragged the dazed fairies out of the saloon.

"Luden, what on earth do you think you're DOING?" cried Wanda.

Luden blinked. "Aunt Wanda?" he asked in shock. "Uncle Cosmo?"

Cosmo had also regained a bit of his composure. "Aaw, Wanda, let me back in there!"

Wanda ignored Cosmo for the time being. "Of all the places to find you… Jorgen von Strangle sent your uncle and me here to come and talk some sense into you, and I now can certainly see why!"

"Oh, I know what this looks like!" cried Luden. He, too, was disguised as a human, and with his mahogany colored hair and eyes, he almost looked normal. His clothing helped as well, for he was wearing typical "cowboy attire". His aunt and uncle, however, were still wearing their aristocratic clothes, and their hair colors didn't help them blend in either.

"You probably think I'm just sex-crazed," continued Luden passionately, "but I'm not! I've seen a lot of Lupe's shows, and I've seen her just interacting normally with people, and I love her! And I don't want to leave her!"

Wanda threw her arms up in exasperation. "First of all, you have godparenting duties that you are irresponsibly avoiding just to go chase some prostitute."

"Hey!" objected Luden.

His aunt cut him off. "And secondly, has it not occurred to you that she's a HUMAN, and you're a FAIRY?"

"So?" asked Luden angrily. "Must love be restricted to species boundaries?"

"That's the way it's usually done," moaned Wanda, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe this…"

"Look, Aunt Wanda," said Luden, much calmer than he had been speaking before. "To be quite honest with you, I'm tired of being a fairy. I want to get away from all that, you know? I'm happy with being a human. I've been living like this for years. And I'll be even happier with Lupe by my side!"

"You are NOT dodging your duties like that!" yelled Wanda. "Besides, how can you love her? Has she even spoken to you?"

Luden shuffled his feet. "No, but—"

Wanda grabbed his arm. "Now then, you're coming back with me to Fairy World so that we can get you assigned to a godchild and—"

Luden broke free of his aunt's grasp. "Not this time, Aunt Wanda! You can't take me away from my one true love!" He rushed back in the saloon.

"Luden! Come back here!"

Cosmo, who had quietly listened this whole time, watched his nephew run in, then smiled almost lustily. "Wait for me!" he cried, dashing in after Luden.

"**COSMO**!"

…………

"Now then, off to find my darling Wanda!"

Teedie sighed. "Don't forget about me, lover boy…"

Juandissimo grinned. "Don't fret, little temporary godchild whose name I have forgotten. Once I find your godmother—and your _worthless_ godfather—you shall be reunited!" He puffed out his chest. "And I shall be reunited with my one true love!"

"We-e-e-ell… it shouldn't be too hard to find them," said Teedie, trying to change the subject. "It'll be hard to miss that pink and green hair—"

"Aah, the beautiful swirly pink hair!"

"Forget I said that," mumbled Teedie. "Hey, nice human disguise."

"Thank you," boasted Juandissimo. All the disguise was, of course, was that his wings and crown were gone and he had gotten taller.

"Wanda? Cosmo?" Teedie looked around. "Maybe they're in one of the—"

"SANTA VACA!"

Teedie spun around. "What? What?"

Juandissimo was staring at the sign advertising Guadalupe. "Dios mi! I always wondered where she had run off to, but never in a thousand years would I have expected…"

Biting his lip, Teedie examined the poster. "Who's she? Another one of your ex-girlfriends or something?"

Juandissimo scoffed. "Heck no! She is my sister!"

"Ohh…"

"Many, many years ago, my sister Guadalupe vanished completely from Fairy World," said Juandissimo, perhaps a bit more dramatically than necessary. "Our family searched everywhere we could think of. She was never found. We eventually gave up, assuming she was lost forever. But now I have found her!" He grimaced. "…disguised as a human. I wonder why?"

Teedie didn't know what to say. He just shrugged.

"Well, I shall go in and find out!" proclaimed Juandissimo boldly, striding in the saloon.

"Hey, what about me?" cried Teedie. "I most certainly am not going in there! That's no place for a small child!" He looked around him. "Maybe I'll just go in the general store…"

(AN: Well, cliffhanger and writer's block all at once! Hah. A couple of things--the song Guadalupe sings I found in a piano book called "America's Favorite Songs" or something like that, filled with folk tunes. I wanted to find some sort of saloon song that was written before 1868 and that a woman could sing, and just my luck, there's "You Naughty, Naughty Men", written in 1866 and, if I do say so myself, fits Lupe nicely. Also, "santa vaca" means "holy cow" in Spanish, and "Dios mi" means "my God" in Spanish (I think).

Also, if you're reading my story, please review. I don't care if it's something really short, like "Good story", "This story's okay", or "You suck". I just want to know who's reading. Thank you, and see you at chapter four!)


	4. Family Reunion

(AN: No author's note this time. Just read and review! :D )

Guadalupe noticed them, of course.

That mahogany haired cowboy... he had been following her around for quite some time now, gazing stupidly the whole time. Imagine the shock if he found out she wasn't even human! Guadalupe tried to ignore it—he wasn't the first stalker she'd ever had, anyway.

And the green haired man... what was an aristocratic looking gentleman like _him_ doing in there? His shock at her was understandable, however, and Lupe was used to it. Still, judging by the pink haired woman who was unsuccessfully trying to pull both men back, he seemed to be married. Again, not a first. Many an angry wife had warned Guadalupe to stay away from their husbands, even though Guadalupe had insisted that _they_ were the ones seeking out _her_.

"Cosmo! Luden! You keep away from this prostitute, do you hear?!" screeched the pink haired woman.

Lupe looked at the trio, wondering to herself. Pink and green hair? How often did you see that? Were they fairies? And was her cowboy stalker a fairy, too?

"Hey, get back to singing!" cried someone from the audience.

Guadalupe glared at him. "Quiet. I have stalkers to deal with." With that, she hopped off the stage and walked—seductively, like she always did—over to the three possible fairies.

Wanda glared at her. "You—you—you've got some nerve, you—"

"At least I am not drooling over every attractive person I see," snapped Lupe in her thick Mexican accent.

"Well, at least _I'm_ not—"

"_WANDA!_"

Wanda and Guadalupe spun around in shock. (Cosmo and Luden were still too busy drooling over Lupe.) Juandissimo had dramatically pushed his way through the crowd and now stood dramatically before them.

"Juandissimo?" gasped Wanda in shock.

Guadalupe also rubbed her eyes in shock. "_Dios mi...Juandissimo?_"

Juandissimo stoked Wanda's cheek; Wanda glared at him. "I shall woo you later, love of my life! But first—"

That was all it took to snap Cosmo out of his trance. "Hey, you... wife-stealer! Stay away from my wife!" he hollered.

Rolling his eyes, Juandissimo said, "I'll consider it, if you stay away from my sister!"

"Hold on!" cried Wanda. "This hussy is your sister?...Somehow I'm not surprised."

"I wasn't going to steal your sister!" protested Cosmo.

"Oh yeah?" cried Juandissimo. "Look at that pile of drool underneath you! You didn't even blink when you saw me! Now—"He turned to Guadalupe, leaving Cosmo with a shocked expression fixed on his face "—_Lupe, qué haces_?"

"_No es tu concern_," said Guadalupe indignantly.

"Don't give me that!" cried Juandissimo in English. "It is so my concern! We thought you were dead! And now I find you here, posing as..." With one quick movement, Juandissimo flicked out his wand, and suddenly every human around them was frozen. "Posing as a _human_! Why did you do it?"

"Fairy World did not appreciate my talents," snapped Lupe. "They were always kicking me out, making me... ugh... clean toilets." She shuddered. "They even threatened to send me to the military academy. I was sick and tired of just being a fairy in general. So I've been living on Earth for the last thousand years or so, mainly as a concubine for royalty, you know, things like that."

"That's disgusting!" yelped Wanda. "You're just letting yourself be some... sex machine! _No _woman should stoop that low!"

"Oh, miss high and mighty, have you tried it?" cried Lupe in retaliation. "I've been having the time of my life. No attachments, no worries... not having to run after some infatuated husband chasing another woman."

"Don't even," growled Wanda.

Cosmo was still shocked. "But I..."

"I do not care," Guadalupe finally said. "You, pink haired fairy who is obviously an ex-girlfriend of my brother's, take your husband and this other mahogany haired fairy and leave. I do not wish to see any of you again."

Finally, after all this time, Luden shook out of his trance. "But—but Lupe, I—"

Guadalupe spun around and glared at Luden. "And do not think I enjoy having you following me around every day, because I do not! Leave me be, you annoying little fairy, for I never want to see you again!"

Wanda grabbed Cosmo and Luden by the wrists. "I am only too happy to comply," she retorted. "Come on."

"But Wanda, my angel!" cried Juandissimo.

Wanda scowled at Juandissimo. "And just what are _you_ doing here, anyway? Don't tell me you're irresponsibly avoiding your godparenting duties as well."

Juandissimo threw out his arms in protest. "I am here _because_ of my godparenting duties! My temporary godchild wished us here!"

"I find that hard to believe," said Wanda. "What child would want to be _here_?"

Despite himself, Juandissimo snorted. "This little boy, brown hair, blue eyes, glasses, scrawny little thing, high squeaky voice... **_YOUR GODSON!_**"

Wanda's hands flew to her mouth; Cosmo and Luden, who were weak with shock and rejection, respectively, fell to the ground. "_Teedie_? You're not saying that he's in _this _awful place?"

"Hey, he said, 'I wish'," said Juandissimo with a shrug. "And I am his temporary godfather. What else was I supposed to do?"

Guadalupe giggled. "You goofed again, Juanito."

"Don't call me that!" cried Juandissimo.

"**_Where is he?!_**" demanded Wanda.

Trembling, Juandissimo answered, "He's just outside... I think..."

"Well, unfreeze everyone and take me to him!" shouted Wanda. Juandissimo discretely twitched his wand and everyone in the saloon was bustling about again. "At least since you froze everyone, he'll be in the same place," said Wanda, hurrying towards the door.

"Uh..." started Juandissimo.

Wanda spun around. "**_What???_**"

"Well...uh...I only froze the people in this room!" cried Juandissimo.

"Oh, dear God, you better not have moved, Teedie!" cried Wanda, bursting out through the doors.

"_Oh, no!_" cried Juandissimo. "_No esta aqui!_"

"He's not here!" cried Wanda. "Oh, God, where could he be? Anything could happen to him in this town! We've got to find him!"

"You're not going anywhere."

All five fairies spun around in shock. Two surly-looking men were standing behind them.

"Bill and Jim? What do you want?" asked Guadalupe, apparently acquainted with the men.

"Why, we want you and your friends," said one of them. Before the five could inquire, the other pulled out a rifle and smacked them all hard in the head, knocking them out.

(AN: Cliffhanger...(laughs evilly) Don't worry, next chapter we'll find out what's happening with Teedie, Edith, and Commander. Because they're not going to idly sit back and do nothing. See you then, at chapter five! (And sorry if my Spanish is appallingly bad.))


	5. Commander's Blunder

(AN: Well, after a looooooong hiatus (I actually did have half-way valid excuses, however), I am back! And I actually want to write, for once, instead of just thinking about the story like I usually do! I hope you all remember me and this story... anyway, on with chapter five. (audience claps))

Edith squinted and wiped her brow. "Wow, Commander, it sure is hot here. Are you sure this is where Teedie is?"

"Positive," nodded Commander. "Now, let's see here. TR, being annoyed at Juandissimo's obsession with Wanda and his tendency to be over-dramatic, went into the general store." She stopped walking. "Which should be here."

"I don't like this," murmured Edith. "It's scary here."

"I don't like it either," admitted Commander. "Now, stay close, and follow me."

Commander swung the doors open spectacularly and examine the room. Everyone inside stared at this strange, beautiful, and deadly looking woman. Suddenly, her eyes grew a bit wider in mild shock.

"There's a bar in here? A bar, a general store, imagine that! I guess that's the Old West for you." With that, she ambled over to the bar, allowing everyone in the store to get a good glimpse at her, most definitely stirring lustful thoughts just as Guadalupe could.

She plopped down on a bar stool. "Let's see, I think I'll have..."

"_Whoa_!" a small voice interrupted her. "Just where do _you _come from? Some place where women are allowed to wear pants?"

Commander spun around, to see little Teedie looking at her, part confused, part admiring, part shock.

"**_HOLY CRAP!_**" screeched Commander, leaping of the stool and backing herself against the bar countertop. Teedie blinked, now just confused.

"I... I don't believe it... Well, I guess I do, because I knew you'd be here, but still... I can't believe I'm actually meeting you! And yet I can, because I am, obviously, but still..." Commander babbled.

Teedie stared. "Uh..."

Suddenly, Commander grabbed Teedie's hand and pumped it up and down enthusiastically. "I can hardly believe I'm meeting you, TR, one of the greatest men to have ever lived!"

Teedie winced. "First off, let go of my arm."

Commander did, sheepishly.

"Second off, how do you know who I am, and how can you say that I'm a great man, since I'm not even ten yet?"

Still looking amazed, Commander said, "I'm the author of this story, Teddy, and I'm from the future, and one day, you're going to be the twenty-sixth president of the United States! I have this slight... okay, major... obsession with presidents, and you are by far my favorite! And... I just can't believe I'm meeting you!" she cried again.

Teedie just stared again. Finally, he said, "First off, don't _ever _call me Teddy. My name's _Teedie_. And second... I think you're crazy." With that, he turned and started to walk away.

"Wait!" cried Commander. "Don't—"

"Ha HA!" cried three evil guys who appeared out of nowhere, snatching little Teedie up and running off with him before anyone could even blink.

"HEY!" screamed Commander. "Don't you _dare _kidnap that future president!" She burst outside. "Where did you..."

They were gone. No trace was left of them. It was as if they had never even been there.

Commander's mind raced. _This wasn't supposed to happen, this wasn't supposed to happen, _she thought frantically. This story wasn't supposed to go like this! But now, even though she was the author, she had no idea where TR was. Her breaths came quicker and more forced as panic started to set in.

Suddenly, in pure rage, Commander hollered, "**_THIS ISN'T FUNNY! BRING TR BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!!_**"

No answer.

Commander collapsed on a barrel, full blown panic set in now. "Oh, God, what have I done?" she moaned.

And then she snapped up in terrible realization.

"Edith!"

…………

Guadalupe came back to consciousness before anyone else. Looking around her, she saw they in some sort of small, dark room, but she had no idea where it was, or how long they had been there. She looked around at her fallen "comrade" fairies, and heaved a heavy sigh. Obviously, Bill and Jim had wanted her, for whatever reason that was. The others were just in the wrong place at the wrong time... and with her. Lupe bit her lip, feeling a bit guilty.

"Uhhh..." The other female... Wanda, Lupe was pretty sure her name was, was coming to.

Wanda struggled to sit up. She then saw Guadalupe and glared at her. "So, where exactly are we now?"

Guadalupe shrugged. "I have no idea. Bill and Jim are the owners of a tavern just down the road... well, just down the road from where we were. I perform for them every so often They are nice guys. But I do not know why they have captured me. They captured you, your husband, your nephew, and my brother because all of you were with me, but why they have captured me I know not."

"Wonderful," muttered Wanda. She pulled out her wand. "I didn't want to have to use this..."

Lupe pulled Wanda's arm down. "No, don't. Just wait awhile. I want to know what they want from us."

Wanda glared at Lupe again. "And what about my godson? He could be anywhere in this terrible town!"

Sighing, Guadalupe said, "But there is obviously something terrible going on with Bill and Jim, and it probably isn't just about them. If your godson _is _in danger, then it might be because of the same reason that we are captured. And you have to know what you are fighting in order to save your godson. If he is in any danger at all."

"I'm sure he is," moaned Wanda. "But you are probably right..."

Lupe looked at the floor. "Ma'am... I am sorry for acting that way around your husband. You know... it is my job. However, I try to avoid men whom I know are married. I hope you are not... angry with him."

To Guadalupe's surprise, Wanda actually laughed. "Oh no, I'm not angry with him at all. It was just basic instinct that made him act that way. I know that he loves me and is completely devoted to me." Frowning, she added, "I'm not too happy with your actions, however."

Instead of defending herself, Guadalupe asked in wonder, "You are...absolutely positive that your husband feels that way about you?"

Wanda nodded, becoming a bit puzzled at Guadalupe. "Yes, I am. I know for a fact that Cosmo would do anything for me and would never knowingly hurt me." She gazed at Cosmo lovingly, still unconscious on the floor.

Lupe still looked incredulous. "I can scarcely believe that love like that actually exists. I mean, I had heard of it in stories, but they are not real..."

"Maybe you should look harder," said Wanda with a smile. She moved over to Cosmo and stroked his cheek.

"Perhaps..." murmured Lupe. To her surprise, her eyes unconsciously fluttered to where Luden lied.

Suddenly, the door flung open. Two evil looking henchmen grabbed Guadalupe and led her out of the room.

"So... Guadalupe." It was Jim addressing her, sitting at a desk with his hands clasped in front of him. "Tell me what you know of your boss's hidden fortune."

Guadalupe blinked. "What?" she asked. "What hidden fortune?"

"As his employee, I would have hoped that you could tell me," said Jim, clearly disappointed and a bit angry. "Come on. Tell me what you know of it."

"I do not know of any such thing," said Lupe firmly.

"What about that small opening in his office?" asked Jim.

Lupe hesitated. True, there _had _been that little opening that seemed to be a tunnel, but she had never thought to ask her boss of what it was. She didn't really talk to her boss much at all, really.

"I do not know what it was for," she finally said. "But if you think it was where he hid this 'hidden fortune', then you are probably mistaken. The hole seemed to go on for a long ways, and it was much to small for anyone to fit through."

Jim said nothing. Lupe waited. Obviously, he could tell that she knew less than he did. Finally he spoke to his henchmen.

"Put her back in her cell. But don't let her or the others leave."

(AN: It's getting interesting now, isn't it? Will anyone ever find this hidden treasure? Where were Teedie and Edith taken? Will Commander ever get a grip? All these and more (maybe) will be answered... in an upcoming chapter, maybe not the next one, but... Please review, and see you next chapter!)


	6. Child Labor

AN: Whew. Yeah, yeah, I know what I said last chapter. But I've hit such a writer's block… ahem. Next chapter…)

By the time Guadalupe was hurled back into the cell, all the fairies were awake.

"If it weren't for your bratty godson, I would not even be here," Juandissimo snapped to Cosmo.

"Don't you dare call Teedie bratty," said Wanda, shooting a warning glance at Juandissimo.

"Are you alright, Lupe?" asked Luden. "What did they ask you?"

"I do not understand it," said Lupe, rubbing her face where her head hit the floor. "They wanted to know where my boss's hidden treasure was. I know nothing of such a treasure. But now I wonder if he indeed has one."

"What do they want with us?" asked Juandissimo.

"As far as I know, nothing," said Guadalupe with a shrug. "You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time—with me."

"Yeah, well, I think you're ugly!" cried Cosmo to Lupe suddenly.

Wanda blinked. "Cosmo… I already forgave you."

"Oh." Cosmo paused. "Well… you're okay looking, I guess…"

Luden looked up, out of the bars. "Uh… can I help you, sir?"

The other fairies turned around and saw a huge, bulk of a man standing at the door. "You're free to go," he said in the deepest voice any of them had ever heard. He unlocked the cell door, opened it, and walked away without another word.

"This has to be a trap," said Guadalupe.

"But I need to find Teedie," said Wanda. "I'm going. And if it _is _a trap, I'll just use my fairy magic." She stood up and walked towards the stairs.

"Wait for me, angel!" cried Cosmo, leaping to his feet and following Wanda.

Wanda turned and looked at the other three. "You three had better come too. I don't' trust any of you without me."

"Aunt Wanda…" moaned Luden.

The five fairies climbed the stairs and very quietly opened the door to the outside world, expecting surly men to come forward at any time to apprehend them. None did.

"Something's not right about this," muttered Wanda. "Why would they just let us go?"

"Look!" cried Juandissimo suddenly. "An incredibly sexy woman with gigantic boobs over there is weeping! I must comfort her!" He dashed off.

"Oh great," mumbled Wanda, Lupe, and Luden simultaneously.

"It _is _great!" cried Cosmo. "Now he's leaving you alone, Wanda!"

Wanda looked at this "incredibly sexy woman with gigantic boobs". "Wow, she certainly _does _have gigantic boobs. How does she stand up?" She motioned for the others to follow her, and walked up to the woman (who was, as I'm sure you all figured out by now, Commander).

"Cry not, my darling, for Juandissimo Magnifico is here!" Juandissimo was saying to Commander.

Commander stopped sobbing for a moment to glare at him. "I don't care who's here! Just leave me alone, you annoying fairy!"

Juandissimo jumped back. "How do you know that I am a fairy?" he asked in shock. Cosmo, Wanda, Guadalupe, and Luden looked flabbergasted as well.

"I'm the author of this story. I know everything. About this story, anyway." Commander pulled out a handkerchief and blew her nose. "At least, I'm _supposed _to!"

"What's the matter?" asked Wanda, trying to be sympathetic to the strange woman.

Commander looked at Wanda helplessly. "You won't like to hear it."

"What?" cried Wanda.

"I lost them."

"Lost who?" asked Wanda, puzzled.

"Teedie and Edith, that's who!" Commander suddenly exploded. "Who else would I lose?"

"Oh my God, Teedie really is lost, isn't he? And Edith? Edith Carow, you mean? What's she doing here?"

"I brought her here," said Commander sadly, blowing her nose again. "I went into the general store because I knew that TR was in there, and I wanted to meet him… he's my hero, or at least one of them, you know. But some big surly guy captured him! And when I ran out to catch him, he was gone! And then I realized that Edith hadn't followed me in the store, and I can't find her, either!" Her large, heavy sobs returned, and Commander turned her head, unable to speak anymore.

Wanda was livid with rage. "Why, you… irresponsible…"

"I know," gasped Commander. "I'm a terrible person. The story wasn't supposed to go this way, and even though I'm the author, I don't know where they are!"

"Well, come on" cried Cosmo suddenly. "We won't find them by just sitting here. Let's do what we did when we looked for Luden and just run around the town screaming!"

Luden found himself pulled into the drama. "Do you have any idea of where they _might _be?" he asked Commander.

Commander slowly shook her head. "No," she whispered.

Guadalupe looked at Commander. "I do."

…………

"We've got one," said a big surly guy, handing off Teedie to another big surly guy. "A kid small enough to fit through this tunnel."

"The prostitute didn't tell you anything?" asked the second big surly guy, who obviously seemed to be the leader.

"No," said the first big surly guy. "I don't think she knew anything about it. But if you ask me, her boss probably stashed the loot in this tunnel."

"Hey, keep me out of your treasure hunt!" cried Teedie. "I'm going to sue!"

"Highly unlikely." The boss big surly guy pushed Teedie by a small door in the wall of Guadalupe's boss's office. When he opened the door, a narrow tunnel appeared before Teedie's eyes.

"You don't actually expect me to crawl through this, do you?" cried Teedie. "I have asthma!"

"Don't argue, brat," snapped the boss big surly guy. "You're going to crawl all the way through this tunnel and find the treasure, and you're going to like it. Do you understand?"

"Come on, try to be reasonable," said Teedie, furiously trying to bargain with the big surly guys. "How could he fit treasure in here? _I'm _going to have trouble getting through this!"

"But there could be a secret entrance on the other side that only he knew about," snapped the boss big surly guy. "Get in."

Teedie took a deep breath—as deep as he could, anyway—and prepared to climb in the long, narrow, unforgiving-looking tunnel—and was interrupted by the door slamming open by a second big surly guy.

"I gots a little kid for yas, boss," said the second big surly guy, holding a terrified girl with dark blue eyes and dark red hair by the collar of her dress.

"Edith?" asked Teedie, thunderstruck.

"Teedie!" gasped Edith, not quite as thunderstruck but still surprised. She looked up at the big surly guy holding her. "Please don't hurt him, please! I'll do anything!"

"How sweet," said the boss big surly guy, his lip curling up in a contemptuous smile. "But I do like her offer. She's smaller than the boy. Send her in instead."

"You can't do that!" cried Teedie. The first big surly guy, however, only roughly pushed Teedie away from the mouth of the tunnel. The second big surly guy deposited Edith at the hole.

"You can't do that," Teedie repeated. "She's hardly even seven years old…"

"What are you making me do," whispered Edith, hardly a question.

The boss big surly guy pointed down the tunnel. "I want you to go down that tunnel and find me some pretty treasure," he said in a voice that was probably supposed to sound sweet. Edith shuddered. "Can you do that for me, girly?"

Edith gulped, about to protest, but an image of Teedie stuck in that tunnel, coughing and unable to breathe or even move, cut short her argument. "Yes."

Teedie struggled madly against the two big surly guys who were holding him down. "You lily-livered bastards!"

Edith gasped.

"Sticking any child in a tunnel like that is unsafe, and there are laws against… wait, there aren't, are they? Well, there _should _be! And rest assured, if I ever actually _do _become president like that weird redhead lady said I would, then passing anti-child labor laws will be the first thing I do! And another thing! I _know _it's illegal to kidnap children! Oh boy, are you guys in for it when I get outta here!"

"That's why you're _not _getting outta here," the boss big surly guy said. He pushed Edith closer to the cave entrance. "Go find me some pretty treasure, girly."

Edith gulped and nodded. She moved to crawl in, but suddenly turned around. "Teedie—"

"Get in there!" snapped the boss etc etc.

"I _will_!" shrieked Edith angrily. She looked back at Teedie. "Teedie…"

"You're crazy, Edie," said Teedie. "I should be the one going in there! Why did you say…"

"Because…" Edith hesitated for just a moment, but the truth has a way of flying out without warning. "Because my love for you burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns!"

The big surly guys blinked. "What did she say?" one of them finally asked. "Those words are two big for me to understand."

"You're _kidding_!" cried Teedie. "You actually… I mean, all this time, when you came over to play with Conie and Ellie and me, you actually…"

Edith seemed to know what Teedie meant by that. "Yes," she said with a nod, smiling at him.

"I don't believe it!" cried Teedie.

"And I don't care!" Boss etc etc pushed Edith into the cave. Edith screamed in fright at his sudden movement.

"Wait!" cried Teedie. "Don't send her in there! Let me go instead!"

"No!" shrieked Edith.

"Have to agree with your little lover here, buster," said boss you know you know. "She's smaller than you are."

"But she can't go in there all alone…" Teedie's eyes lit up. "Let me go with her!"

"Hmm." The boss thought for a few anxious moments. Finally he started to chuckle. "Why not? Two heads are better than one. Besides, it saves us the trouble of what to do with you. Bring him over here."

The two big surly guys holding Teedie held him up by the arms and dropped him next to Edith.

Teedie looked down the tunnel and felt like he had to throw up. But the he looked at Edith, and the thought of a little girl like her going in all alone—especially a little girl like her who, shockingly, was madly in love with him—gave him enough courage to crawl in.

"Grab my foot, Edie," he instructed. He felt her trembling hands grab his ankle. "Now hold on tight, and don't let go."

And the two children crawled silently into the treacherous tunnel.


	7. Through the Tunnel

(AN: Surprisingly enough, I don't have an author's note. But I'm typing this anyway to avoid breaking tradition. Just one thing—I've never had a character swear more than Teedie does in this chapter. Sorry about that, but hey… he's mad!)

"What?" cried Commander, looking at Guadalupe incredulously. "You _know _where they are? How? And where?"

"I do not know for sure," Lupe quickly clarified. "But I do have an educated guess. When Jim was questioning me, he asked me if I knew anything about a hidden treasure that my boss had. I know nothing about such a treasure, but Jim did remind me of a small hole in my boss's office. It was not large enough for a full-sized human to fit through. My guess is that these big surly guys grabbed the two youngsters and made them go through the tunnel."

"Wanda's gonna go ballistic in three seconds," announced Cosmo. "Three, two, one…"

"_You mean that tiny, asthmatic Teedie is crawling and hacking his way through some dark tunnel to find some treasure that probably doesn't even exist?_" Wanda shrieked.

"No," said Commander glumly. "Tiny, asthmatic Teedie is crawling and hacking his way through some dark tunnel to find some treasure that probably doesn't even exist… with Edith."

"Oh, well then that's alright!" said Cosmo happily.

"No it's not!" yelped Wanda.

"Well, okay, it's not alright, but it's better than just one of them going in alone," said Cosmo, sounding almost sensible. "Scary things aren't as scary if you have someone else with you. Unless that someone else is an ax murderer. Then it's even more scary."

"The green-haired moron is actually making sense," said Juandissimo, sounding shocked.

"Yeah, think about it, Aunt Wanda," said Luden. "Either one of these kids would go crazy going in some dark, cramped place by themselves. Any of us would. But having someone to talk to might keep their sanity in check… at least a little bit."

"This is all well and good," interrupted Commander, "but _neither _of them should be in there in the first place. And if _any _future president and first lady dies on my conscience, I swear I'll kill myself. So Lupe, where's your boss's office?"

Guadalupe stood up quickly. "I will show you."

…………

The other six were worried that, if the children did survive, they might go crazy from the darkness. As the big surly guys slammed shut the door choking off nearly all the light in the tunnel, this was certainly an unwelcome lingering thought nagging at Edith's mind.

Teedie, on the other hand, was too angry to be frightened.

"Bastards. There's no other word for it."

"Teedie…"

"Those men are Bastards with a capital B. Stupid sons-of-bitches sending us in here for their own perverse greed."

"Teedie, _stop it—_"

"Why, if I ever get my hands on those mother-fu—"

"_Teedie_!"

"_Eeeedie_!" Teedie's voice took a dramatic turn, almost pleading. "You know they are. You know it." He stuck out his arm in front of him, than the other, than the other, slowly but steadily plunging himself into the darkness, Edith clinging firmly to his ankle.

"I don't care if they are or not," said Edith, sounding like a goody-goody teacher's pet. "One of your high breeding should not be using that sort of foul language, Theodore Roosevelt."

"Fine, I'm sorry," mumbled Teedie. He suddenly remembered a pestering curiosity. "Just how did you wind up in Nevada, anyway?"

"I could ask you the same question." Teedie couldn't see her, but he was sure that Edith was smiling.

"Well then, why don't you?"

"Because I know."

"How? And, while you're at it, I wouldn't mind if you actually answered my _first _question. What the hell are you doing here?"

"Teedie!"

Teedie sighed. "What the… earthworm… are you doing here," he mumbled, as something small, long, and slimy—most assuredly an earthworm, although he couldn't see a thing—fell into his hair. He pulled it out in disgust.

"Well." Edith drew in a short, deep breath, sounding like a gossipy old lady about to tell the scandalous story of what she saw Mr. Jones doing that day. "I went over to your house to play with Conie—"

"Don't lie, you little lovebird."

"Alright, alright, to see you—but you weren't there. But there was this lady named Commander. She's really weird. I thought she was crazy, but she brought me here somehow, so she must be magic or something. She knows the future."

"Wait. Did she have red hair, yellow eyes, enormous boobs, and wear pants?"

"Yes! She did!" Edith sounded delighted. "Do you know her? Is this…" Her voice fell. "Is this all just some practical joke you and Ellie are playing on me? Like that time you locked me in the closet when that funeral procession went by?"

"No, I don't know her!" cried Teedie. "But I met her in that general store. She says I'm going to be president."

"She told me that, too. And she said I'll be your first lady."

"Over my dead body." Teedie coughed, with clean air becoming rarer and rarer the further they crawled down the tunnel. "And the way things are going, it'll probably be dead very soon." He took a short breath to try to save on air, but his windpipe was already closing as it was. "I think I'm going to have another attack," he winced, for the first time sounding scared.

Edith said nothing, only making a small whimpering noise and clutching Teedie's ankle tighter.

"So anyway… did Commander happen to tell you why I was here?"

"She did, but I couldn't really understand it. It involved fairies, though."

"_Fairies_!" cried Teedie. "You know about fairies?"

"Yes," said Edith. She paused for a moment. "Commander told me that it was alright that I knew about fairies, because since she was the author, she could make exceptions to the rules. Or something like that."

"Oh… so that means that I won't lose my fairy godparents. I hope."

"What are they like?"

"They're great. Wanda's really nice, but she can be tough on you when she needs to be. And Cosmo's insane." Teedie sighed. "I wish they were here. They grant nearly everything I wish for, as long as it isn't against Da Rules."

"You mean, if they were here, you could wish us out of here?"

"Probably." Teedie coughed again. "I'm done talking for awhile, Edith. Got to save my breath," he said abruptly.

"Certainly," said Edith.

They continued crawling. It was impossible to know for how long. Edith's breaths grew short from fear while Teedie's grew short from asthma.

At one point, something warm and fuzzy brushed against Edith. Giving a shriek of fear, she immediately did what instinct told her to—grab Teedie as tightly as she could.

"What?" cried Teedie, the first word either had spoken for ages.

"Something just ran past me, and it was warm and fuzzy and gross!" Edith had a death grip on Teedie's legs—his upper legs, that is. Her head was pressed in fear against his buttocks.

Teedie didn't like it one bit.

"How big was it?" he asked. "About a foot or so?"

"I couldn't see," said Edith. "But… probably…"

"It was probably just a mole," said Teedie. "They just eat earthworms and stuff. Totally harmless. Now get your head off of my butt."

"Sorry…" Edith lowered her arms back to his ankles and lifted up her head. Teedie continued plowing through the darkness, but stopped suddenly, causing Edith to crash into Teedie's behind again. "Look!" cried Teedie.

"What?" asked Edith.

"Can't you see that?"

Edith strained her eyes. She couldn't see much of anything, even with the help of that vague light in the distance…

"Light!" she cried.

"Now I know what they mean when they say 'the light at the end of the tunnel'!" cried Teedie triumphantly. He began to crawl faster.

"But Teedie, what if there's no treasure there?" Edith asked, frantically crawling to keep up with Teedie.

"I don't care about that fucking treasure, I just want out!"

"**_Teedie_**!"

"Uh… that stupid treasure." The two crawled faster and faster, getting oh so close to that blessed light!

Finally they emerged…

…and were too stunned to speak.

The room was white. Totally white. No windows, no doors, no openings of any kind except the tunnel they had just crawled out of. No treasure. The room was completely empty save the two children.

They both stood up slowly.

"Is there supposed to be treasure in here?" Edith asked quietly.

Teedie shook his head. "I don't know. Let's look around for some, though. And an exit. But not too far… I don't want to lose sight of this tunnel. It seems to be the only thing in here."

He took Edith's hand and slowly took a few steps forward, taking all the whiteness in. It was blinding. And maddening.

"I'm scared, Teedie," whispered Edith.

"Me too," said Teedie. "Never any inbetweens with us. We either have to be in all black or all white. Hmm…" He moved back towards the hole and put his arms on the edge. Then he moved them to the side, towards the white. His hands fumbled. "There's no wall here," he said incredulously.

"What do you mean?" asked Edith fearfully.

Teedie walked around… behind the hole. There was nothing there. "This hole just… exists. There's no wall that it came out of. It's just hanging in space!"

Edith pulled herself closer to Teedie. "You mean… does this room have walls? Any walls at all?"

Slowly, dramatically, Teedie drew in his breath. "I don' t think so."

Edith began to wail. "We're in a never-ending room!"

"This is bizarre!" Teedie moved over to the other side of where the hole was—where it could thankfully still be seen—carrying Edith with him, clutching to Teedie as if here were a doll. "Are we in some sort of alternate dimension?"

"Wherever we are, there's no treasure," moaned Edith.

Teedie sat down by the hole, feeling a bit comforted by touching it. Edith retained her death grip on Teedie.

"One thing's for sure, I don't want to go back in there. I'd rather be in here." Teedie glanced down at Edith, who was gazing up at him with large, frightened eyes. He sighed unhappily. "Why on earth did Commander even bring you here, anyway?"

"I don't know," said Edith. "I told you, I thought this was all just some practical joke you and Ellie were putting on me."

Teedie started to chuckle. "Like when we locked you in the closet when president Abraham Lincoln's funeral procession went by my grandfather's townhouse." His chuckle grew into a laugh. "I can't believe you remember that. You… you weren't even four years old!"

"Of course I remember it!" said Edith. "That closet was dark and scary… and so were all those soldiers from the Civil War without legs and arms crying! But… I remember it for another reason, too."

"What?" Teedie looked curious.

Edith smiled. "Well… normally I'd be too shy to say, but since we're probably going to die a terrible, grisly death of thirst and starvation in this endless white room, I might as well tell you. It was when I first started falling in love with you!"

Teedie rolled his eyes. "Like I said earlier, you weren't even four. How could you have known what love was? How could you now? Even _I'm_ too young to be involved in stuff like that."

"It doesn't matter." Edith nuzzled against Teedie's chest. "All I know is someday, somehow, I'm going to marry you."

"Yes, because Commander told you so."

"Oh, I knew before she came. She just made me believe it more."

Teedie made a _phht _sound. "Commander's insane. She doesn't know what she's talking about."

"I don't think she is. How did she know you were here? How did she get us here?" Edith smiled.

Teedie sighed and unconsciously laid his head on top of Edith's. "Well, crazy or not, I certainly hope that she knows where we are now, and how to get here."

Both children closed their eyes, and were asleep in minutes.


	8. Rather Pointless

(AN: I have writer's block again. So sorry if this chapter sounds like crap.:) )

The big surly guys—all three of them—were trembling with fear.

Commander didn't look particularly strong, but she had them all hoisted up in the air by the collars of their shirts.

"You talk first," Commander hissed to the boss big surly guy. "You're the boss big surly guy."

"We sent the kids in there!" he cried, pointing at the small door covering the tunnel. "Both of them are in there…"

"We _know _that," hissed Commander. "We just wanna know who you're working for."

The big bossy surly guy pointed frantically at Lupe. "It's her boss! I swear! He told us that he had a hidden treasure and that whoever could find it could have it!"

Commander blinked and dropped them. "Hmm, that's… weird."

"Why would he just give it away?" asked Luden.

The big boss surly guy shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe he just thinks it funny for nearly everyone in this town to scramble looking for some treasure that probably doesn't exist. We've looked nearly everywhere. I'm surprised you haven't heard about it, Lupe."

"I… am surprised too," Lupe managed to say, apparently shaken out of a deep thought.

"Well, at least we learned something," sighed Commander. Abruptly, she swung the big surly guys in the air again, causing them to yelp with fear. "Now then… I'm sure the sheriff will have something to say to people who force small children to do their bidding. Especially small children who will grow up to be president and first lady of the United States!"

She nodded towards the disguised fairies. "You guys come with me… except Lupe, you _guard the entrance_." Commander winked secretively.

Wanda, Cosmo, Juandissimo, and Luden looked perplexed, but Guadalupe's eyes brightened in understanding. "Yes, that is a good idea," she said, giving Commander a nod back.

Commander drug the big surly guys—now crying in fear—out the door. Cosmo, Juandissimo, and Luden were about to follow. Wanda, however, had other ideas.

"What was that all about?" she snapped.

Guadalupe pushed the other fairies to the door. "Shh. It will look suspicious if we all stay. But I know what Commander wants me to do. She wants me to go in there and get them myself. And that I will do. You go with the commander. She will need witnesses."

"I don't think so," said Wanda. "That's _my _godchild in there. You go with Commander, and I'll stay here."

Lupe shook her head. "Wanda, I am not… one of the more highly-regarded citizens here. Most people know me, and I have a bad reputation. You four, on the other hand, will pass for just random travelers, and your word will be worth much more than mine. No, you four must go. I shall retrieve your godson and his companion."

Wanda nodded, and for the first time gave Guadalupe a genuine smile. "Good luck."

And grabbing her husband, nephew, and ex-boyfriend, Wanda rushed out the door after Commander.

Once the door was shut, Lupe reached under her dress and pulled out her wand. "It has been a long time since I have had to use you," she said quietly. "_Ojala que yo recuerdo…_"

It had been ages… and as she had indicated in Spanish, Lupe wasn't quite sure that she even remembered how to use her wand. "Well, here goes nothing…" Guadalupe waved her wand around her head…

And to her delight, she shrunk down, and two wings popped out of her back. She grinned. "_Fantastico._"

Now there was just the problem of getting in. Guadalupe pulled open the small door and saw a narrow cave. "I cannot imagine sending two small children down this place!" she marveled. Waving her wand again, she transformed herself into a large dragonfly, easily flying through the cramped passagee.

…………

Teedie woke up first, and he did so suddenly. Snapping awake, he shot his eyes around the "room", thinking that maybe he had been dreaming everything and that he was still at his New York City house.

Fat chance. He was greeted with nothing but white.

"Jeez, I all wanted was a bully adventure," Teedie sighed. "Now I just get to die of thirst and starvation in this never-ending room."

He looked down at Edith. With her head rested on Teedie's lap, Edith was still asleep, fitfully as it may be. Teedie shook his head in gentle exasperation. "I can't believe you've been in love with me this whole time," he said quietly. "I mean, I can understand why someone would want someone like me—you can't get much better—but you were always Conie's friend, and you never paid that much attention to me…"

He stopped. A dragonfly had just zipped out of the tunnel. A very large dragonfly. With purple eyes.

It pulled out a wand and transformed into a fairy. Teedie jumped. "You're… you're Guadalupe! I saw you on that poster! You're my temp Juandissimo's sister!"

"I know, I know," said Lupe in an annoyed voice. "And you are… Teedie, right? And the girl is Edith?"

"Yes! Have you come to rescue us?"

"I have," said Lupe with a nod. She pointed to Edith. "Wake her up so I can get us out of here."

Teedie grabbed Edith's shoulder and shook her. "Edie, wake up! We're being rescued!"

"…huh…what?" Edith's eyes fluttered open drowsily. Upon seeing Guadalupe, however, her eyes snapped open. "Wow… a fairy!"

"So, are you just going to poof us out of here?" Teedie asked.

Guadalupe hesitated. "Well… I will try. I do not use my magic much, however, so it may not work. You had better take my hand." She reached out her free hand. Teedie grabbed. Somewhat fearfully, Edith grabbed Teedie's other hand.

Lupe raised her wand. "Pray to God this works…"

POOF!

The three were suddenly back in Guadalupe's boss's office.

"You did it!" cried Edith, hugging both Lupe and Teedie. In fact, she even planted a kiss on Teedie's cheek.

"Ugh!" cried Teedie, wiping off his cheek.

Lupe waved her wand again, transforming herself back into a human. "Come with me," she said quickly, grabbing the children's hands. "We must find my brother, your godparents, their nephew, and that strange commander. I have a hunch about my boss that I must tell them."

"Where did they go?" Teedie asked.

"To the sheriff's office. At least, that is what Commander says. I wonder if she even knows where it is, though."

As if on cue, a husky voice that was unmistakably Commander's could be heard coming closer. "…well, that showed _those _outlaws! Now, what to do about this whole treasure business…"

"Perhaps you would care to ask me!" Lupe hollered over to the other five.

"You found them!" cried Cosmo happily. "Look, Wanda, she found Teedie and Edith!"

Guadalupe jumped out the way quickly, as Cosmo, Wanda, and Commander all rushed up to Teedie and nearly strangled him in a fierce bear hug.

"Hooray! You're alive!" cried Cosmo.

"Oh, Teedie, Cosmo and I were so worried about you!" cried Wanda.

"TR! Thank God! I'll never let you out of my sight again!" blubbered Commander.

Luden smiled at Lupe. "See? You never really forget magic."

Lupe nodded awkwardly, trying to avoid looking at his gorgeous brown eyes. "No… you do not… ever forget…"

Juandissimo grabbed Lupe by the shoulders, shaking her off of her strange infatuation. "Lupe, _mi hermana_, you said something about knowing about the treasure?"

Fully back in the moment, Guadalupe nodded. "Well, sort of. I think we should go find my boss and talk to him."

"You said you had a hunch about him," pointed out Edith.

"I am not for sure," said Guadalupe quickly. "However… I just need to find him and talk to him. Come on."

"Wow… how boring! All this, and we just wind up going to talk to this guy?" Commander scoffed. "Some action/adventure this is. Am I really writing this slop?"

That was the final straw.

"Oh, Commander, _shut up_!" I cried. Everyone froze and spun around.

"Who said that?" cried Wanda.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!" cried Cosmo.

"That's not the voice of God!" Commander hissed, recognizing my voice right away, of course. "That's…"

"Who?" Juandissimo prodded.

"She's my alter-ego," Commander finally admitted. "Some dork named Katie—"

"Whoa, hold on there, girl!" I shouted, dropping in on our little group here. "You're _my _alter-ego! How many times do we have to go through with this?"

"Butt out of this story!" Commander shouted rudely, pushing me backwards. "It's mine! See up there? Written by Commander. That's me."

Despite myself, I grinned. "Oh really? Then how come my lines are written in first person and your lines are in third person?"

Commander blinked. She raised her hand up, about to say something… then let it fall down.

"I've been writing this whole 'slop', miss Commander, and I've known all the plot twists. Unlike you, who didn't even know where TR went off to." I spun around to TR—I'm just as obsessed with him as Commander is. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President—"

"Oh God, not you too!" cried Teedie.

"This is **my** story!" Commander hollered. Suddenly, her eyes grew wide, staring at something behind me. "Oh my God, it's Groucho Marx!"

"**_Where?_**" I cried, spinning around. Nothing there, of course, Commander burst out laughing.

"You are _such _a dork, Katie!"

"That wasn't very nice!" I cried. And, suddenly, I shouted, "Look! Marvin the Martian!"

"**_Where?_**" cried Commander, falling for that exact same trick. I could hear a chuckle escape from the mouths of Cosmo, Wanda, Teedie, Edith, Luden, Juandissimo, and Guadalupe.

"Alright, alright, so I deserved that," she said, trying to sound calm. "But the point is… GET OUT OF HERE!"

"I was going to. This is making this story very awkward." I jumped back into my computer chair and resumed typing.

"Now what?" Luden asked.

Commander sighed. "Well, let's go find this boss of yours, Lupe. This seems as good of place to end the chapter as any… hit the lights, Katie!"

(AN: Sorry about that. Commander needed to shut up. Uh, anyway… see you next chapter, for those of you still reading. (If you are, I commend you.))


	9. Tigers and Samurai and Chairs, Oh My

(AN: THE ONLY EXCUSE I HAVE IS WRITER'S BLOCK.

Yes, I apologize a thousand times for not updating this. I had NO clue where this story was going… and usually, when that happens, my stories just fall flat on their faces. I have _never _come up with a good ending. However, I actually like the ending of this one… which I just came up with while I typed it. I am soooo sorry to all of you for making you wait this long. Okay. On with the chapter, thanks for reading/reviewing, FOP doesn't belong to me, all that and a bag of chips, Kermit the Frog and his banjo, yadda yadda yadda. (Have I lost you yet?))

Lupe's boss lived on the edge of town, in a large building strangely unweathered by the elements of the old west.

"Is this it?" Commander asked Lupe. "Is this where your boss lives?"

"I believe so." Lupe knocked on the door lightly, but it opened anyway.

"Seems like an invitation to go in," shrugged Commander. She took one step in the doorway—

"_OUCH_!" Commander jumped back, rubbing her arms and glaring at the doorway in fierce anger. "That thing… zapped me! It sent electrical shocks through my entire body. And—how the hell did you get through?" she finished, staring at Guadalupe, who was inside the house.

Guadalupe shrugged. "I felt nothing…"

"But why couldn't I get through?" Commander asked, still looking enraged. "Is there something different about you that lets you get through?"

Juandissimo smirked. "I don't know, but let's test it on Cosmo!" With that, he roughly shoved Cosmo through the doorway.

"HEY!" cried Cosmo, tumbling through the doorway and landing at Lupe's feet. He stood up and grinned. "Well, I didn't feel anything either!"

"Dammit," muttered Juandissimo.

"Let's test it on YOU now!" cried Wanda, pushing Juandissimo through the doorway before he could object, with such force that he ran into both Cosmo and Guadalupe, knocking them both down.

"Oops," said Wanda, blushing.

Standing up and smoothing his hair back as if nothing had happened, Juandissimo said suavely, "Well, I did not feel any pain either."

"No… _you _would not feel any pain," said Lupe, now certain of her hunch. "And Cosmo and I would not either, and nor will Wanda and Luden when they come in. However, Commander, Teedie, and Edith will because… they are not fairies."

"This door keeps out people who aren't fairies?" asked Edith.

"Only one way to find out… come on, Luden." Grabbing her nephew's wrist, Wanda led Luden through the doorway. No zaps. No pain.

"Bully!" cried Teedie. "I should get technology like that for my room, except that it zaps girls!"

"I suppose that we shall have to finish this by ourselves," said Guadalupe, almost apologetically. "You will have to watch the children, Commander—"

"I came all this way just for _nothing_?" interrupted Commander, looking angrier by the minute. "I am _not _going to stand for this!"

"Nor am I!" cried Teedie. "Cosmo, Wanda, I wish that I was a fairy so I could go in there with you!"

"A-_hem_!" Commander and Edith folded their arms and glared at Teedie.

"Oh, alright. I wish Commander, Edie, and I were fairies so we could follow you."

Wanda sighed. "You certainly always get your way, don't you, Teedie?" She and Cosmo waved their wands, and with a POOF…

"Ooh!" cried Edith, floating in the air. "I have a pretty crown!"

"Bully!" exclaimed Teedie, doing midair summersualts. "Look at my wand!"

Commander, although looking significantly different; ie, smaller, as a fairy, was still the deadly beauty that she always was. Looking back at her wings, she grinned. "Normally, I object to being turned into different species all the time, but I must admit, I'm growing attached to the wings already."

"Alright, you're fairies, now get in here!" cried Wanda. She turned to Lupe. "So, do you think that your _boss _is a fairy? What led you to that conclusion?"

"I was right, was I not?" said Guadalupe, shrugging innocently, as Commander, Teedie, and Edith floated harmlessly through the door. She waved her wand, dropping the human disguises of the real fairies. "Why else would he have such a door? And a tiny trap door leading to a completely white room?"

"With no walls!" added Teedie.

"It was scary!" whimpered Edith.

"He has always been… different," Lupe continued. "Everyone who came to visit him without asking talked of the door that zapped them. And now I know that there is only one explanation! He is a FAIRY GOD PARENT!" On the last three words, Lupe spazzed in midair.

"What was that all about, dearest?" Luden asked.

"I have no clue," admitted Lupe. "But it was rather freaky." Glancing at Luden, she gasped in sudden realization, "_What _did you call me?"

"Oh, nothing." Luden smiled and slipped his hand in hers. Lupe blushed… but, for once, didn't object. In fact, she realized that she was squeezing his hand back… as they led the way to find her boss.

"Who knew?" she mused, seemingly to herself, but then she glanced at Luden. "I am a fairy in disguise, my obsessed stalker is a fairy in disguise, even my boss is a fairy in disguise. I wonder if this whole world…"

"_I'm _not a fairy disguised as a human," said Teedie, right behind Lupe. "I'm a human disguised as a fairy!"

Like Luden and Lupe, Teedie and Edith were flying side by side, hand in hand… although Teedie looked a little less accepting of this than Lupe was. "Do you know what room your boss is in?" the boy asked.

Behind Teedie and Edith were Cosmo and Wanda, also flying hand in hand. "Maybe we should yell his name really loud like when we were looking for Luden!" suggested Cosmo, grinning.

Juandissimo glanced at the three couples ahead of him, and turned to Commander, grinning roguishly. "I may not be able to have Wanda, but you are almost better, _mi bonita_! Care to make this group four pairs of lovers?"

"Get real," snapped Commander. "I've already got a love interest. True, he's terrified of me, but still… my heart is true only to him! Well, and to a few others." She pulled out a very long list. "Let's see… only twenty-six, at last count."

Paying no heed to the romantics in the back, Lupe turned to Teedie, Edith, Cosmo, and Wanda. "I do not know what room he is in… nor do I know his name. He never told any of his employees…"

"Well, how are we going to find him?" Edith asked. "There's lots of rooms in this place!"

"We'll have to yell really loud and get his attention!" said Cosmo, grinning. Throwing his head back, he hollered, "**_BACK ALLEY CHEESE SALESMEN_**!"

"Uh, what?" said Teedie, rolling his eyes.

"What an idiot!" muttered Juandissimo, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe it.

A door opened, and a man leaned out and stared at them. He wore the same type of upper-brow aristocratic clothes that Cosmo wore, but his hair, unlike Cosmo's mess, was short and sensible. He also, like many men of the day, had grown a beard and mustache in a style known as "whiskers".

"There you are." Lupe actually smiled at her boss.

He blinked. "Guadalupe, you're a fairy? Didn't see that one coming… and you brought your fairy friends, too!"

"Enough!" cried Lupe, dropping Luden's hand and buzzing towards him. "What is the deal with this treasure business? Is there even a treasure, if there is—or even if there is not—why did you tell nearly the entire town about it, and—"

"I think what our prostitute friend is trying to say is… **_What the fork is going on here_**?" Commander said.

"Well, since you're fairies, I'll tell you." Lupe's boss leaned against the door frame. "There is no treasure. I told the people in this town about it so they'd all go crazy with finding it, suspect everyone else of who knows what, and eventually kill each other."

Everyone blinked at him.

"Why would you want to do _that_?" Edith's little voice finally rang out.

"Because," said Lupe's boss, his face beginning to twist into a grimace of pure hate, "I have come to realize something that the other fairies must be too stupid to see… that humans are a virus! Their entire festering race will one day control the entire universe, including Fairy World! Once I'm done with this town, I'll go to another… and another!"

"Uhh…" Luden stared at him. "Not to say that I agree with you—because I don't—but wouldn't it be easier to just kill them off with your magic?"

"Luden, you moron…" Wanda slapped herself in the face.

"Of course it would!" cried Guadalupe's boss. "But I want to do all this without getting in trouble at Fairy World… and if I used that much magic at once, they're trace me and arrest me. Of course, now that I've told you this, and you don't seem to agree with me, I'll have to—"

POOF!

With one zap of her wand, Wanda conjured up a huge Brachiosaurus, one of the biggest dinosaurs to ever live. "Quick!" she yelled to her companions. "Zap up the biggest, most magic-using things that you can!"

"NO!" hissed Lupe's boss. Flicking his wand out of his pocket, he poofed up a humongous tiger… and it lunged straight towards Wanda.

"**HEY**!" yelped Cosmo, and in an instant he poofed up about fifty samurai warriors, which all attacked the tiger. He waved his wand again; a huge safe dropped on Lupe's boss with a CLANG. "Leave my wife alone, you back-stabbing… human hater! Guy-who-poofs-up-tigers-to-attack-wives!"

"If I knew how to use this thing, I'd help…" Commander stared at the wand.

"We've gotta try!" cried Edith. Taking careful aim at Guadalupe's boss, who had managed to crawl out from under the safe and was now lunging for Cosmo, she gritted her teeth, and ZAP!

A huge ball of fire shot from the seven-year-old's wand, knocking her backwards. Mr. Boss screamed, poofing up a huge hose and drenching it out mere moments before it would have consumed him.

"Wow, Edie, bully!" cried Teedie. "Let me try!" He aimed to one corner of the room—POOF! And another corner—POOF! POOF! POOF!

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" sang Teedie, looking at the zoo he had created. "And throw in a panther or two just for good measure!"

Commander figured out how to use her wand too, and was using it… albeit for her own good. "A new computer, a fifty-inch widescreen plasma, an iPod with twenty gigs of storage…"

The other three fairies were having fun too.

"One elephant, coming up!" cried Luden, poofing up a gigantic African elephant.

"Two elephants!" cried Lupe, adding two more.

"Well, I can make _three_!" cried Juandissimo, poofing up three more.

By now, the hallway was so filled with life that it was almost impossible to move… although Cosmo was still furiously poofing up chairs, one by one, to throw at Lupe's boss.

"Why are we doing all this?" Edith cried out to Teedie.

"I don't know," he admitted, "but I'm guessing that we'll find out eventu—"

**BOOM!**

"**_What in the name of my massive glutes is going on here?_**" Jorgen von Strangle hollered. Noticing the confusion, he waved his massive wand, making everything that had been magically created disappear, even the seventh chair that Cosmo was about to throw.

Wanda pointed to Lupe's boss. "Lupe's boss is actually a fairy—"

"Just like Lupe is, who knew?" added Luden.

"Lupe's ugly and I hate her!" snapped Cosmo.

"Oh, just get over it—" growled Juandissimo.

"He had a plan to kill off the entire human race—" continued Commander.

"Without using magic—" added Lupe.

"And he seemed really mean!" whimpered Edith.

"And we had a bully magic fight to get you to come!" finished Teedie.

Jorgen blinked. "Uh… I didn't catch any of that puny rambling."

"_He's a bad fairy and needs to be arrested_!" all eight yelled, pointing at Lupe's boss.

Jorgen gasped. "You! I know you! You're Montgomery Seward, that completely radical fairy who we've been looking for for years because _you're too dangerous for society!_"

"Curses, foiled again," muttered Montgomery.

Cosmo roughly pushed Montgomery to Jorgen's feet, and with a huge POOF, Jorgen blasted him away, presumably to Fairy World Jail. He then examined the rest of the fairies. "I don't recognize you… or you… or you… or you," he said, pointing to Lupe, Commander, Teedie, and Edith.

"Well, we're not fairies," said Commander smugly. "Except Guadalupe here. She's a fairy, she's just been on earth as a human for years."

But to Commander's—and Lupe's—surprise, Jorgen wasn't paying much attention to Guadalupe. Instead, his stare was fixed on little Edith. "You! Now that I know that you are merely a puny human, I do recognize you. You were just brought to my attention a few hours ago as an unhappy child needing a fairy godparent!"

"I was?" she asked, incredulously.

"I might as well give you one of these ones…" Jorgen pointed at Juandissimo. "YOU! You shall be this girl's godfather!"

"Ah, _qué bueno!_" said Juandissimo, grinning. "That means I shall have many chances to see Wanda!"

"You'd better not!" cried Cosmo, poofing up another chair and holding it aggressively.

"And as for you three…" Jorgen glared at Commander, Teedie, and Edith, and, pointing his huge wand staff at them, blasted away their wands, wings, and floaty crowny things. "Kiss your fairy butts goodbye! We cannot have humans pretending to be fairies! Fairies pretending to be human are bad enough!"

"I'm not a human!" cried Commander. "And I'm not this short, either!"

With a sigh, Wanda poofed Commander up to her full height.

"Ahh, that's better!" cried Commander, smiling.

Jorgen grabbed Luden and Lupe roughly by the wrists. "And now, I need to assign you two ungrateful, runaway fairies to a godchild!"

"_A _godchild?" asked Luden, hopefully. "You mean, both of us to the same godchild?"

"**_NO_**!" boomed Jorgen. "Of course not, idiot!"

"Oh well," sighed Luden. He smiled at Lupe. "Are you doing anything tonight, sugar?"

"Besides going out on a date with you, nothing." Lupe flashed Luden a smile.

"Great! Wanna go on a date with me?" cried Luden, completely clueless.

"I suppose I can work it into my schedule," said Lupe, rolling her eyes.

"And as for the rest of you… GET YOUR PUNY HINEYS OUT OF THIS PLACE!" Jorgen thundered.

"My thoughts exactly," said Commander, grinning that grin of hers. "See, I told you things would turn out alright!" And with that, using her strange powers she seemed to have because of being the author, she disappeared into thin air. However, her voice could still be heard quite clearly… "Hail to the chief!"

"My completely muscular work here is done," stated Jorgen. With that, he, Luden, and Lupe BOOMED out of sight.

"And our work here is done as well, eh, _mi amor_?" asked Juandissimo, smiling at Wanda.

"That does it!" Cosmo hurled the chair he was holding at Juandissimo, knocking him off to the corner of the room.

Edith gave Teedie a nearly pleading look. "When we're married, you don't have to be that jealous and protective of me, you know."

"Look!" cried Teedie. "I am _not _going to marry you!"

"Well…" Wanda smiled. "Maybe you two can work things out later." She raised her wand, Cosmo followed suit, and so did Juandissimo… and with a POOF, they were all gone, back home to New York.

THE END…Bully! It's the end! Whaddya know about that:)


End file.
